The Red Quest – Sex Clubs and Nonmonogamy

The Red Quest published a whole book about gaming with non-monogamy and sex clubs.  It’s free, and a quality book (though I wish it had a table of contents).  While reading, I had a lot of different thoughts come up, and learned some things, so I’ll make a few highlights here.

Swinger Club Advice:

 Unfortunately for me, there are no swinger clubs near my area.  But, there are BDSM/kink nights at a few of the clubs, there’s a solid community on fetlife, and there are private parties out there.  I am somewhat of an outsider of the kink community though, partly since I travel so much, but also since there’s so few … “prospects” at these clubs.  

There are large groups that hold swinger events where apparently everyone in the tri-state area attends, but I haven’t tried these out.  Quite honestly, I’d rather daygame and focus on finding local girls than to travel out of town at the risk of there just being a bunch of older swingers.

Attractive women (at least my type) are rare in the kink community in the midwest.  Imagine going to a kink club, but wondering if you accidentally walked into a LARPer event, or Magic The Gathering meetup.  It’s a bit of an unfair caricature, since I have been to an event recently that did have a couple of higher SMV folks.

If you’re a hot guy bringing a hot girl to these places, you’ll certainly draw a lot of attention.  Your girl will be stared down by dudes when she’s walking alone to the bathroom.  And when you’re with her, you’ll get the fuck-me eyes from the girls in the place.  So I expect that Red Quest is exactly right about the dynamic of a sex club:  Bring Value to Get Value.  If you want to bang hot chicks, bring one.

Non-Monogamy Advice:

“I don’t think it’s wise to bring up non-monogamy until you’ve been   sleeping together for a while and she’s firmly converted into your frame. “

I think this is solid, particularly if you live alone, or if you’re traveling seducer.  If you live with someone, explaining why your place is off limits gets to be annoying as a lot of women will drop off at that point.  Non-monogamy is becoming more known, and even though everyone pretty much practices it implicitly by “dating around”, people still want, well, two things:

  • To believe that monogamy is the better and correct way. 
  • To have the chance of you committing your resources to her (TRQ brings up this point too).

Bringing it up non-monogamy explicitly can quickly turn into a heavy, anti-seductive topic (depending on the girl), incongruent with a dalliance you’re aiming for.  It’s like mentioning that you’re a hunter if she’s a vegetarian: Don’t.


On phrasing:

“I personally have rarely seen attractive polyamorous people who wish to advertise that they are polyamorous. But I have seen lots of attractive open  relationship people “

Now I’m convinced to change the way I phrase things.  When I think about it, polyamory has the blue haired feminist connection to it.  “Open Relationship” is more palatable.  “Open Marriage” unfortunately has a cuckolding association,  based on how it is presented on a few TV shows, plus the “Married” flips a switch in some girl’s minds.  Some girls might be into the forbidden married man, but since it’s “Open”, it ruins that fantasy for them.


When to be non-monogamous:

 “If you want to have children with a particular woman, then do not introduce her to non-monogamy “

I think this is a mistake, depending on how you want to structure your life.  As much of a pain in the ass the logistics are with an open marriage, I’d never be monogamous again. 

You can use non-monogamy as a test before it turns into a long-term thing, to ensure your bedroom won’t die, and that she stays interested in you, and you’re not totally dependent on her (and her long-term attractiveness) for sex.  You’ll get to see how frequent (or infrequent) she sees other men, and if that’s an acceptable level to you.  It’s something that brings up latent issues from the relationship quickly to work through, or to end it and move on with someone more compatible.

Our society is not adapting in a way to make monogamy successful, just look at its shitty track record in our lifetimes.  If you want to practice monogamy, good luck, since you’re basically accepting a relationship model that’s almost guaranteed to fail.

Open marriages are still weird to people, but if you can get over that, cheating and affairs are no longer an issue: 

  • Did your wife go on a coffee date with some guy?  Who cares. 
  • Do you have the hots for a wife’s friend, or a secretary?  That’s what happens, leave them alone, there’s other (hotter, tighter) girls to chase.  

The forbidden loses its power when it’s no longer forbidden.

Anyway, there’s a lot of good stuff in this book that I’ll write about another time.


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