One Ring to Rule them All

I watched this video on Youtube about wearing a wedding ring while picking up women. A guy was afraid of appearing sleazy.

The coach’s advice: “Be proud of that ring and don’t give a fuck what other people think!” It’s lame inner game advice, and SHITTY advice for picking up women.

There is no ring in our culture that is more powerful than the wedding ring.  PUA’s and keyboard jokeys exclaim that being married is great since it’s preselection. This is overly simplistic. 

I’ve been openly married for 6 years now, and grappled with the decision of whether to wear the ring or not, while sarging, for all of those years.  Here are some situations where I wore the ring, and the responses I get from women.

Field Tests

  • When my marriage first opened up, I was in Switzerland, on the prowl, approaching women.  I started a conversation with a college girl on a bench, after a few minutes I pitched a date.  She declined specifically because she could see the ring and knew I was married.  I clarified that it’s ok since it’s an open marriage.  That did not change her mind at all.
  • I approached a different woman there, thing were going well, even did some acroyoga, and did a nice move that got her moaning and squirming in surprise! We walked off to get a drink when she saw my ring and asked if I lived with anyone. Being the honest guy, I said yes, mentioned the open marriage… had to explain it, and she looked all disappointed and deflated after that.  I did not bring her anywhere after that.
  • I approached a much older but attractive woman at the train station.  She understood I had a wife and had no problem with it at all.  We made out, but the more I escalated the more I realized I wasn’t going to be all that turned on in the end.  Then she make not-so-subtle future projections of me moving there. She brought me to my hotel but I didn’t want to invite her in.
  • Multiple women at nightclubs back home were having fun and grinding on me, then they noticed the ring and ejected.  Reassuring them it’s no big deal since it’s an open marriage did nothing for them (or me).
  • On one date from OKC that was going very well, she didn’t see the ring until we started kino, she totally went cold, got up, and left even though I told her it’s an open marriage (and made it crystal clear in my profile).
  • Had a date near my hotel with a Thai woman, when things seemed to go well, we walked back to my hotel and she wouldn’t come up to my room. I asked “oh really?” and she pointed at my ring. Explaining it’s an open marriage did nothing (she didn’t know what it was, and couldn’t comprehend it).
  • Approached a ballerina after some community demo, got her number, and took her on a date. After getting our coffee, she notices the ring and angrily asks “WHATS THAT?!?”. Explaining it had little affect, we made out but she rejected date 2.
  • A woman placed herself in my proximity when I was at a coffee shop, with my kids even. She was nice, I took her facebook instead of her number since I didn’t want to be too obvious in front of bystanders. She texted me later “Are you single?” I replied “I’m unconventional.” and explained the deal during the date, that one went ok 🙂
  • Got a number from a cashier, I mentioned the open marriage while texting and she didn’t believe me. She said she only gave me her number to be nice since I was handsome.
  • In SE Asia I approached an american woman doing yoga by herself in a park.  I asked her “are you single?” Which allowed me to transition into explaining I got an open marriage, to preemptively make it clear what’s going on.  I made out with her in my hotel, but she was putting up a ton of LMR, and I ran out time before she had to fly out.
  • I’ve approached many, many girls with the ring on.  I can’t list them all here. Some of them obviously notice it when I get their number, and don’t respond to my texts. 

So the ring could have worked for me in some situations with some types of women.  But FAR, FAR, FAR more often it’s hindered my seductions.  I used to think the problem me: I was anxious of the girl thinking I was a sleaze and/or cheater before I could clarify the situation. But over time, I got comfortable hitting on women and getting numbers with the ring, and didn’t give a shit what they thought, so the crux of the problem wasn’t my attitude, it’s external.

Subcommunication

Here’s the crux.  Everyone in our culture WORLDWIDE (unless you’re in some jungle tribe) understands that the wedding ring means “married”.  And by default, marriage means “monogamous” and taken. 

Wearing the ring is a form of non-verbal communication, and you need to be aware of what you’re communicating based on social expectations and understanding. Otherwise, people aren’t going to really understand you, and you can get negative tension

The ring tells her one of these things non-verbally by default:

  • You’re married and unhappy (“good” in the sense that it’s preselection AND you’re potentially available if the girl puts in the work).
  • Married, and an untrustable pussy-hound (bad, unless the girl has questionable character and/or the guy has really good game).
  • Married, and safe to just flirt with.

Even in 2019, nobody suspects a guy wearing a ring has an OPEN marriage. Plenty of women out there haven’t even heard of an open marriage (older women, conservative ones, and Asians). And a minority don’t even believe me when I tell them.

Confrontations:

Rarely have women actually confronted me about being married (2 dates, out of a hundred approaches I suppose).  I surmise that the vast majority of women who give me their number while seeing me ring, will just ghost me before I have a chance to fill them in on the details.

Conclusion:

Wearing the ring with an open marriage is recklessly communicating things to girls at this point in time (2019 AD) worldwide.  Therefore, don’t wear the ring. And if you do wear it, ask the girl “are you single?” very early in the interaction to relieve any negative tension, otherwise you risk her ejecting before you leave.

If you’re a cheater anyway, wearing it likely works for you so I don’t recommend changing a thing.

p.s. When my marriage was closed, there were a few women who made their interest very clear. The subtext of a forbidden married man is different than an openly married man.

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